You can pour us out, we won't mind.

therefore greatness of heart is the true human greatness, but greatness of heart is to master oneself in love. -kierkegaard. (you might eventually find out that i'm in love with him)

being able to serve in detroit last week was an amazing experience for me. and i'm not just saying that to be cliche. i learned SO much that it's impossible to say all of it, because i haven't yet figured out what 'all of it' even is.

i have been in somewhat of a 'spiritual crisis' lately. i've been trying to learn to love - really, truly, GOD-love people. i am so grateful to God for saving me, for blessing me, for pouring out his love to me. and i love people so much, all these beautiful and messed-up and fantastic people that God has made, that i just want to serve God and serve people and love everybody all the time in every way possible. but i have been trying to do all this on my own strength. and in so doing i have kind of completely overwhelmed myself by trying to do everything and be everything to everyone. it sounds great in theory, this 'selfless service,' but practically, it's impossible. and i've realized that being selfless means a lot more than just giving up my own selfish desires, but that it's really giving up and letting go of my stupid, selfish, wordly identity and relinquishing every goal i have and everything i do completely up to God, until i really have no 'self' (the true definition of selfless) so that he can finally work through me. but anyway ... i hadn't realized that yet. so i'd still been doing everything on my own strength (which is pointless because on my own i have such a ridiculously small amount of strength). so that's how i was coming into this week - sick, tired, just having gotten through midterms and a lot of stressful situations at school. i was completely worn out and didn't feel like i should or could even do any 'missions' type stuff. i was questioning God, my life, and the world, and i felt like there was no way i could do anything for anyone. at all.

so i decided that it would be a simple week for me: that i would love. and not worry about being everything and doing everything, but just pray for God to pour love out of my heart to everyone possible. because i knew that i couldn't possibly pour myself out anymore, so all that was left of me was God. it was a very vulnerable place to be, but through that vulnerability God taught me so much.

he showed me how he works through people to encourage me and show his love to me.

he showed me how, when i give myself up to him completely, i actually am useful as a servant and worthwhile as a person.

he showed me the power of simply being, and loving.

like when i did nothing but sit in a church pew, surrounded by little girls, laughing with them (and telling them to be quiet every five minutes!) letting God pour love out to them through me, and God pouring out his love to me through them. that was so humbling.

like helping a lady clean out her basement - the simplest thing possible, and yet she loved my friends and i so much and told us time after time how much of a blessing we were to her. it wasn't us.

like learning to appreciate people i was working with on the trip that i really didn't FEEL like appreciating, because all i had was God's love and he wouldn't let me not love them.

like the adorable little kid who i had yelling matches with, who was so eager to run into my arms, who i gave my chocolate shake to and he thought it was the absolute greatest thing possible. it blessed me.

like when cooking in the kitchen for a community dinner became the greatest fellowship when we were serving together, laughing together, loving together, seeing and loving God in each other.

like serving people in cass park when i had no voice, was coughing my head off, and felt like i might faint at any time, yet realizing that, though i still had things so much better than them, a lot of them were happier than i nearly ever am.

like holding a precious baby with bruises all over his little head. it broke my heart to imagine his pain, yet still we laughed together and he had the cutest sarcastic grin that just made my heart smile through the sadness.

i saw God.

and through the week, though i became more tired and physically worn out, i had hope that overwhelmed me. because God kept filling and filling up my heart. no matter how much love i spent, there was always more.

so i laughed with people. i worked alongside people. i worshipped with people. i cried with people. i lived with people. i loved. and through pouring out God filled me up.

because God showed me last week the beauty of simply loving: with His love and not trying to find love in myself that isn't there. i learned so much about justice and injustice, about the intimate relationship of love and justice, about mercy, and so much more (that i will write about so soon). but above all, i learned (not to quote the beatles or anything ...) that really, when it comes right down to it:

all you really need is love.

i found this quote by kierkegaard that amazed me, because it described what i have learned so well.

the person who truly loves does not love once for all; neither does he use a portion of his love now and then in turn another portion, because to exchange it is to make it a changeling. no, he loves with all his love; it is totally present in every expression; he continually spends all of it, and yet he continually keeps it all in his heart. what marvelous wealth! when the miser has amassed all the world’s gold – in grubbiness – he has become poor; when the lover spends all his love, he keeps it whole – in purity of heart.

so i am whole: poured out, but more whole than ever before.