the passion of the Christ.

i’m going to be honest: i didn’t really want to watch the passion at all. i always told myself there was no point, since i know the story already. but my real reason for not watching it, i think, was that i didn’t want to see the temptation of Jesus; i didn’t want to see the suffering He went through; i didn’t want to have to think about His actual death. i would much rather just think about the pleasant symbolic meaning of easter (thrown in with easter eggs and fuzzy rabbits) than His scars, His pain, the uncomfortable reality of what Christ suffered for us. it is so much easier to content myself with thinking of some abstract Bible verse - “for God so loved the world” – without being forced to think about what that love actually meant to Jesus, and what it means to us today. but I guess Christianity isn’t supposed to be easy, is it? so i watched the passion anyway, and it definitely made me uncomfortable, but by watching it i gained a greater understanding of Christ’s ridiculous, beautiful, never-ending love for us.

watching the passion brought up many questions for me. until recently, i had never thought seriously about the humanity of Jesus, and it was made so obvious in the movie that Jesus lived, and lived a normal, human life just like the rest of us (minus the sin …). this fact absolutely astonishes me. Jesus wasn’t just this storybook figure, “Savior-of-the-world” action hero, as He is so often portrayed, even and especially in our modern American “Christian culture”. he actually had relationships with people, real, meaningful conversations that probably didn’t always consist of nothing but the fact that He was the incarnate Son of God.

He loved people; and not just because it was His job, not just because He was the Messiah, but because He had feelings and emotions like every other human being. the agony on His face as He was taken away from His disciples by the roman soldiers, the grief He showed as judas betrayed Him with the irony of a kiss, the look of heartbreak He had as His mother stood beneath the cross with tears flowing down her face: all these scenes caused me to cry, thinking about the reality of His pain, but also of the relationships He must have had with His family and followers. i have always heard the verse “Jesus wept,” because it is the shortest verse in the Bible, but to actually picture Jesus weeping, tears of joy or tears of sorrow or tears of life streaming down His face, is an overwhelming thought. the passion demonstrated to me the humanity of Jesus in a way more real than i had ever experienced, and through the realization of His humanity i can so much better appreciate His great love for me and for the world.

but as i realize the fullness of Jesus’ love for the world, i also must think of the agony He must have experienced as He bore the entire weight of the world’s sin in His soul. the very thought of such a sacrifice is utterly overwhelming. what is still more overwhelming, though, is the fact that He was tempted by satan (whose reality, and the utter evil of his presence, was also very disturbing to me in the movie) countless times, betrayed by one of his own disciples, rejected as a heretic by the jews that should have recognized that He was the fulfillment of all their prophecy, tortured shamelessly by the roman soldiers, and could have given up and decided that all these people who treated Him so terribly weren’t really worth saving after all. and yet …

He loved them anyway. and He continued to love them through all the torture, physical and emotional. and as He hung on the cross, enduring the worst pain imaginable, He still loved them, and all of us, and still said “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” the amount of love Jesus had and still has for this fallen world is impossible to fathom; and i am so thankful that He chooses to redeem us and all our sin. i am so thankful that His way of life messes up everything we know, all the systems and powers of the world, and that it messes up everything in just such a way that it is finally real, true, and beautiful. i am so thankful for His kingdom, that i have the privilege of living with Him today and forever, and of living His love to everyone.

at the same time, though, i can’t help but wonder, if i was one of the pharisees, or a roman soldier, or even the thieves hanging on the crosses next to Him, would i have realized He was the Messiah, the answer to all the prayers and problems of the world, or would i have tossed Him aside like they did, as a heretic and blasphemer? Would i have tortured Him, spat on Him, thinking Him nothing but a fool?

it is easy to sit here today in our comfortable culture that prefers to think of Jesus as metaphor, as some abstract solution to any worry we may have, but the passion forced me to think about Jesus as human, in His own context, and, honestly, it scares me. it is very uncomfortable to think of Jesus as absolutely, simply real. but that is, i think, the most important lesson i learned from watching the passion: Jesus really lived, and really loved, and even though we humiliated, tortured, and killed Him, conquered death and sin, and still lives and loves us and will continue to do so forever. i have known all this abstractly my whole life, but having seen even such a comparatively unrealistic picture of Jesus in the passion, i appreciate His sacrifice and His love more than i ever have, and i know i can do nothing better in life than to allow Him to fill me up, so that His love can pour out of me to everyone, every day, for the rest of my life, because His love is so great. amen.

You can pour us out, we won't mind.

therefore greatness of heart is the true human greatness, but greatness of heart is to master oneself in love. -kierkegaard. (you might eventually find out that i'm in love with him)

being able to serve in detroit last week was an amazing experience for me. and i'm not just saying that to be cliche. i learned SO much that it's impossible to say all of it, because i haven't yet figured out what 'all of it' even is.

i have been in somewhat of a 'spiritual crisis' lately. i've been trying to learn to love - really, truly, GOD-love people. i am so grateful to God for saving me, for blessing me, for pouring out his love to me. and i love people so much, all these beautiful and messed-up and fantastic people that God has made, that i just want to serve God and serve people and love everybody all the time in every way possible. but i have been trying to do all this on my own strength. and in so doing i have kind of completely overwhelmed myself by trying to do everything and be everything to everyone. it sounds great in theory, this 'selfless service,' but practically, it's impossible. and i've realized that being selfless means a lot more than just giving up my own selfish desires, but that it's really giving up and letting go of my stupid, selfish, wordly identity and relinquishing every goal i have and everything i do completely up to God, until i really have no 'self' (the true definition of selfless) so that he can finally work through me. but anyway ... i hadn't realized that yet. so i'd still been doing everything on my own strength (which is pointless because on my own i have such a ridiculously small amount of strength). so that's how i was coming into this week - sick, tired, just having gotten through midterms and a lot of stressful situations at school. i was completely worn out and didn't feel like i should or could even do any 'missions' type stuff. i was questioning God, my life, and the world, and i felt like there was no way i could do anything for anyone. at all.

so i decided that it would be a simple week for me: that i would love. and not worry about being everything and doing everything, but just pray for God to pour love out of my heart to everyone possible. because i knew that i couldn't possibly pour myself out anymore, so all that was left of me was God. it was a very vulnerable place to be, but through that vulnerability God taught me so much.

he showed me how he works through people to encourage me and show his love to me.

he showed me how, when i give myself up to him completely, i actually am useful as a servant and worthwhile as a person.

he showed me the power of simply being, and loving.

like when i did nothing but sit in a church pew, surrounded by little girls, laughing with them (and telling them to be quiet every five minutes!) letting God pour love out to them through me, and God pouring out his love to me through them. that was so humbling.

like helping a lady clean out her basement - the simplest thing possible, and yet she loved my friends and i so much and told us time after time how much of a blessing we were to her. it wasn't us.

like learning to appreciate people i was working with on the trip that i really didn't FEEL like appreciating, because all i had was God's love and he wouldn't let me not love them.

like the adorable little kid who i had yelling matches with, who was so eager to run into my arms, who i gave my chocolate shake to and he thought it was the absolute greatest thing possible. it blessed me.

like when cooking in the kitchen for a community dinner became the greatest fellowship when we were serving together, laughing together, loving together, seeing and loving God in each other.

like serving people in cass park when i had no voice, was coughing my head off, and felt like i might faint at any time, yet realizing that, though i still had things so much better than them, a lot of them were happier than i nearly ever am.

like holding a precious baby with bruises all over his little head. it broke my heart to imagine his pain, yet still we laughed together and he had the cutest sarcastic grin that just made my heart smile through the sadness.

i saw God.

and through the week, though i became more tired and physically worn out, i had hope that overwhelmed me. because God kept filling and filling up my heart. no matter how much love i spent, there was always more.

so i laughed with people. i worked alongside people. i worshipped with people. i cried with people. i lived with people. i loved. and through pouring out God filled me up.

because God showed me last week the beauty of simply loving: with His love and not trying to find love in myself that isn't there. i learned so much about justice and injustice, about the intimate relationship of love and justice, about mercy, and so much more (that i will write about so soon). but above all, i learned (not to quote the beatles or anything ...) that really, when it comes right down to it:

all you really need is love.

i found this quote by kierkegaard that amazed me, because it described what i have learned so well.

the person who truly loves does not love once for all; neither does he use a portion of his love now and then in turn another portion, because to exchange it is to make it a changeling. no, he loves with all his love; it is totally present in every expression; he continually spends all of it, and yet he continually keeps it all in his heart. what marvelous wealth! when the miser has amassed all the world’s gold – in grubbiness – he has become poor; when the lover spends all his love, he keeps it whole – in purity of heart.

so i am whole: poured out, but more whole than ever before.